College Essay Boot Camp: Reflection
After revising and completing my first college essay I could definitely see a few areas in which I have succeeded. I believe that after finishing the essay one major area where I have grown includes being able to show and not tell, a problem that I have struggled with in the past. Another skill which I feel that I improved upon was my organization and being able to split up my paragraphs into each other in a way that makes sense. A specific example of this comes from my first essay compared to my final draft:
First Draft:
“As I brought it in, my dad quickly grabbed the stringer to secure the fish and gently laid it in the water. A few hours passed and afternoon approached, to our surprise only one fish had been caught. For more than a decade, fishing has been passion and a way of life I have shared with millions of others across this world, and while modern society continues to shift towards electronics and new technology, there will be no feeling the same as reeling in a fish or witnessing the morning sunrise glare across the water.”
Final Draft:
“As I brought it in, my dad quickly grabbed the stringer to secure the fish and gently laid it in the water. A few hours passed and afternoon approached, to our surprise only one fish had been caught. Though to my surprise, it wasn’t about whoever had caught the most or biggest fish. I was about being out in nature, in Colorado.
For more than a decade, fishing has been passion and a way of life I have shared with millions of others across this world, and while modern society continues to shift towards electronics and new technology, there will be no feeling the same as reeling in a fish or witnessing the morning sunrise glare across the water. “
As you can see specifically, the transition from the first to the second paragraph seems much easier to follow, while in the first draft it isn’t broken up, and quickly changes from one topic to the next without a proper transition. The feedback came first from peers during critique periods, then through Lori, our humanities teacher. Though while this feedback probably would have came through anyways, I was the one who asked how I can break this up more allowing no reader to be left confused. To refine this, I started by initially breaking up the paragraph into two different ones in the area where my peers selected. Then I constructed a final sentence in the first paragraph. Finally, allowing me to easily transition between the two paragraphs.
First Draft:
“As I brought it in, my dad quickly grabbed the stringer to secure the fish and gently laid it in the water. A few hours passed and afternoon approached, to our surprise only one fish had been caught. For more than a decade, fishing has been passion and a way of life I have shared with millions of others across this world, and while modern society continues to shift towards electronics and new technology, there will be no feeling the same as reeling in a fish or witnessing the morning sunrise glare across the water.”
Final Draft:
“As I brought it in, my dad quickly grabbed the stringer to secure the fish and gently laid it in the water. A few hours passed and afternoon approached, to our surprise only one fish had been caught. Though to my surprise, it wasn’t about whoever had caught the most or biggest fish. I was about being out in nature, in Colorado.
For more than a decade, fishing has been passion and a way of life I have shared with millions of others across this world, and while modern society continues to shift towards electronics and new technology, there will be no feeling the same as reeling in a fish or witnessing the morning sunrise glare across the water. “
As you can see specifically, the transition from the first to the second paragraph seems much easier to follow, while in the first draft it isn’t broken up, and quickly changes from one topic to the next without a proper transition. The feedback came first from peers during critique periods, then through Lori, our humanities teacher. Though while this feedback probably would have came through anyways, I was the one who asked how I can break this up more allowing no reader to be left confused. To refine this, I started by initially breaking up the paragraph into two different ones in the area where my peers selected. Then I constructed a final sentence in the first paragraph. Finally, allowing me to easily transition between the two paragraphs.
